


(Miss)Adventures in the Commonwealth

by TaoAndThen



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Acadia (Fallout), Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Dark Comedy, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/F, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Game Spoilers, Girls with Guns, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Late Night Conversations, Multi, One Shot Collection, Open Relationships, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Humor, far harbor dlc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2018-11-07 02:45:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11049663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaoAndThen/pseuds/TaoAndThen
Summary: It only makes sense that everyone in the post-nuclear wastes would be open to or partaking in open relationships.  The more partners, the higher the odds of increasing the human population to resettle the world and return it to pre-war normalcy.In which sole survivor Dagny is romantically and sexually involved with Piper, Hancock, Cait, MacCready, and Danse, who are forced to tolerate each other at the Castle like one big dysfunctional family...and fail miserably.





	1. If You Ask a Stupid Question

**Author's Note:**

> In which Cait wants to know how synths procreate, if they can, and badgers Danse for answers.
> 
> Jip- Irish slang for semen

“Danse, get yer ass back here!  I wasn’t done!”

“Well that’s quite unfortunate for you Cait because I most certainly am.”

“But I wanna know!  It’s important!”

“No, it isn’t.  It’s invasive and, quite frankly, uncomfortable.”

This got Hancock’s attention.

“What are we harassing the Paladin about this time, Caity Cat?”

“Call me that again and I’ll ram a baseball bat up yer arse,” the redhead threatened.

“Sounds like fun.”  He raised his bottle of Gwinnett Stout towards her.  “I’ll hold ya to it.” 

Paladin Danse tried using this as an opportunity to escape the obnoxious Irishwoman but wearing a suit of power armor made any attempt at stealth almost impossible, especially in the Castle.  Where he was the only one wearing power armor. 

“C’mon Danse!”  Cait chased after him until she was walking/stomping side-by-side with the former Brotherhood soldier.  “Haven’tcha ever wondered?”

“No, and I don’t plan on starting,” he said firmly, desperate for a raider attack or a synth attack.  He’d even take the Brotherhood finding him over this.

“But if all synths came from Shaun’s DNA, you and Dagny are related.  She’s like yer nana.  She  _ is _ yer nana.”  She threw her arms up in the air in exasperation.  “And yer sleepin’ with her!”

Hancock regretted eavesdropping.

“Cait, just what in the hell are you trying to accomplish by holding this conversation?”

“Speaking of parents.”  Ignoring him she rubbed her chin thoughtfully, then put her hands on her hips.  “If synths are s’pposed to be indistinguishable from humans, does that mean yer jip is like a human’s?”

“My _what_?”  

“Ya know, jip.”  She made a stroking motion with her hand and then a ‘whoosh’ sound, quickly followed by a ‘splat’.

Hancock  **really** regretted eavesdropping...but he would be lying if he said he too wasn’t curious.

“Can it knock someone up?  If ya knocked up Dagny, would it be a half-human half-synth?  And if it’s got Shaun’s DNA, since _you’ve_ got Shaun’s DNA, would it be like...a clone?  Look, I’m no scientist-”  

“Thank **God** ,” Danse interrupted tersely. 

“-but if synths are s’pposed to be the future and ensure our survival, isn’t it important to know?”

“Aren’t you diametrically opposed to synths being the future of mankind?”  Danse raised an eyebrow at her, though she couldn’t see it.

“Aren’t  _ you _ diametrically opposed to synths bein’  **anythin’** ?!” she exclaimed.  “You were in the Brotherhood of Steel for shite’s sake.  Here’s why I’m askin’.”  She pointed over to the synthetic child Dagny reluctantly took in.  “Robo Shaun will never fill the hole in her heart.  Someday, Dagny might want a real kid.  Someday you might want a kid.  Most likely with Dagny.”

“Thank you for clarifying that last part.”

“And wouldn’t that thing end up being both yer child and yer sibling?!”

“Amazing how quickly you went from sentimental to moronic.  Codsworth, what’s the probability that a conversation with Cait will quickly go from sentimental to moronic?” he asked sarcastically.

After a few seconds of buzzing the robot replied, “Approximately 87.62%, sir.”

“...thank you Codsworth.”

“Happy to be of service!” 

“Don’t think I wouldn’t ram a baseball bat up yer arse too!”  Cait pointed at the Mr. Handy.

“Then I thank my lucky stars I wasn’t built with a rectal cavity.”

“ENOUGH talk about robots and their semen and rectal cavities!” Piper screamed, slamming her palms on her desk.  “I’m trying to type an article on the new political climate of Diamond City, and I don’t need to hear you screaming your head off at Paladin Danse about the mechanics of his quasi-mechanical semen!”

“Quasi?”  Cait looked at her suspiciously.  “Why’dya say it’s ‘quasi’?  D’ya know somethin’ Piper?”

“I know I’m trying to focus and you’re annoying the crap out of me!”  She threw her hat at the brawler.

Hancock handed her a jet inhaler.  “Need a chem break?  This’ll mellow you out.”

“You’re offering it to the wrong person,” Piper replied shooting Cait a snide glance.

“That’s it, where the fuck is my baseball bat?!”

“What’re you gonna do Cait, ram it up my ass?” Piper mocked.

“No, I’m gonna bash yer tiny brains in!”

Danse ran like hell to the battlements to ‘assist MacCready in patrolling’.  Yes, that’s why he made his graceful exit.  No ulterior motive.

“So.”  The sniper took out a cigarette and a lighter.  After a long drag he looked at the synth.  “Whatcha think?”

“I think the perimeter is currently secure, but I would remain vigilant.  We have no idea how many rogue synths still roam despite the destruction of the Institute.”

MacCready chuckled.  “No, no, no.  I mean, do ya think they come out with skin or grow it while they’re babies?  Maybe they look Valentine when they’re popped out.”

Danse curled his lips inward.  “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t push you over the edge.”

“‘Cause Dagny would take Cait’s bat and shove it up your ass,” he replied casually. 

“...point.”

MacCready pulled his the pack of cigarettes out of his duster.  “Want one?  It can’t hurt you like it can a human.”

Danse took off his helmet.  “Why the hell not?”

From the entrance of the Castle, rather the massive break in its once-believed-to-be-unbreakable wall, Dagny leaned against the guard tower.  Her eyes slowly darted about from a high Hancock, a cat-fighting Piper and Cait, and a smoking/bonding Danse and MacCready.  “Do I even want to know?” she asked Preston, tilting her head up.

Preston looked down at her and shook his head.  “No, trust me, you don’t.  By the way, I received word from a settlement.” 

“Of course you did,” she grumbled with a soft sigh.

“What was that?  I didn’t hear you from up here.”

“I said ‘happy to assist!’,” she lied with a fake smile.


	2. Fight For Top Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the five paramours start an argument over who's Dagny favorite, and it quickly escalates to who has superior sexual prowess.

No one could quite remember how they arrived on the topic.  One thing was for certain though- it was a verbal, bordering on physical, fight to the death.

Cait, MacCready, Hancock, Piper, and Danse were seated at a large table in one of the Castle’s many ugly, barren rooms, looking very much like negotiating mobsters.  And they more or less were, as mobsters negotiated territory disputes, which was a stupid but fitting comparison to their latest argument.

“I swear yer all deaf.”  Cait leaned back in her chair.  “Dagny loves me more than any a’ you sorry shites.”

“Pities you more, maybe,” Piper retorted, propping her elbows and lacing her fingers together.  “But loves you more?  Are you sure you’re clean?”

“Chems ain’t all bad Piper,” Hancock said coolly.  “Don’t act like you haven’t taken some mentats now and then to finish your articles.  Wanna know what else you haven’t done?  Been Dagny’s favorite.  I would know, seeing as I am.”

“And how the hell do you figure that, Wrinkly Dick?” MacCready scoffed.

“What a scathing insult,” the ghoul remarked with a roll of his eyes.

“Way to avoid the question,” the sniper shot back (not literally, to his chagrin).

“Perhaps we should take into account who she’s spent more time exploring and helping the Commonwealth with,” Danse pointed out.  “Which, as you all seem to have forgotten, is me.”

“Ya keepin’ a log in that suit or somethin’?”

“No, Codsworth is,” the former Brotherhood soldier said matter-of-factly.

The brawler folded her arms over her chest.  “Damn robots, always in cohoots,” she huffed.

“Slow down there cowboy.”  MacCready said putting up a hand to silence him.  “It’s not quantity, it’s quality.  And she’s definitely spent more ‘quality time’ with me,” he said suggestively.

“If I’m a cowboy, what would that make Dagny?”  Danse felt disgusted saying it, but the angry face reading ‘challenge accepted’ that MacCready gave him made it worth the discomfort.

“That’s a stupid pun and ev’ryone knows it!”  Cait pounded a fist onto the table.

“You’re just jealous you don’t have anything better,” the writer mocked with a chuckle.

“Alrighty Piper, what’s _yer_ brilliant euphemism?” the redhead challenged, eyes narrowed.

“Oh, I dunno, probably something about how someone who spends all day at a typewriter has very gifted fingers, and someone who has a way with words has a very gifted tongue?”

Hancock put his fingertips on his collarbone.  “While I won’t question how skilled your fingers are, a smooth talker like myself is far more adept at using their tongue.”  His patronizing tone made Piper wish she had her typewriter nearby so she could bash him over the head with it.

“A tongue which, like your dick, is also wrinkly and gross.”

“Why do you keep bringing my dick into this, MacCready?  Jealous?  Maybe you wanna give it a test run?”  The mayor of Goodneighbor raised an eyebrow at him.

“How did we even get on this topic?”  Danse rubbed his forehead and sighed as he watched MacCready and Hancock argue over whether or not having ‘cock’ in one’s name means they are destined to be endowed.  (“It’s not your birth name, so it doesn’t count!”  “I didn’t choose the hung life, the hung life chose me.”)

“Alright, I have an idea!” Cait announced.

“Here I thought it couldn’t get worse…”

“Shove it Piper.  Now here’s what I p’rpose.  The best way to settle this dispute...is an orgy.”

“I don’t wanna see Wrinkly Dick’s...wrinkly dick!”

“Again with my dick...What aren’t you telling us?  Don’t worry, I won’t judge.”

“I’m gonna my barrel so far down your throat-!”

“Now that’s a good euphemism right there,” Piper complimented and clapped.

“Don’t help,” the ghoul and the sniper snapped in unison.

Danse looked over his shoulder at the open doorway, hoping that Shaun couldn’t overhear their conversation.  Or anyone for that matter.  “Everyone, that’s enough,” he began authoritatively (i.e. his usual tone, one which he thought made him sound like a figure of authority and others found boring).  “The point of this juvenile discussion is to determine whose company she prefers, not who...pleases her the most.”

“Ah, that’s cute.  Too shy there, Danse?  Afraid that yer little soldier isn’t meetin’ the General’s standards?  Not suited for the front lines?” Cait teased.

“Also a good euphemism,” Piper said, albeit reluctantly.  Cait gave a nod to express gratitude, equally reluctant.

“Danse is right,” MacCready relented.  “And I wanna shoot myself for saying that…”

“I won’t stop you,” the synth replied dryly.

“But I’m shooting you first!”

Danse was searching for an intelligent retort, Piper was about to call to order (read- scream at them for order), Hancock was about to tell MacCready he was making it _too_ easy to twist his words, and Cait was looking around the room for a makeshift melee weapon.  The five of them froze, the would-be standoff coming to a screeching halt by an all too familiar laugh echoing into the room, accompanied by a familiar bark.

“Perfect, she’s back.  Now we can ask her and settle this once for all,” Piper said as she clumsily rose, almost tripping in her aggravated enthusiasm.  She stormed to the Castle’s ‘courtyard’, the rest not far behind her.  Before anyone could call for Dagny’s attention their hearts collectively sank.

“Who’s a good boy?  You are!  Yes you are!  Who’s my bestest friend?  That’s right, it’s you!  Oh you’re such a good boy, yes you are!  I love you so much Dogmeat.  You’re my bestest buddy in the whole wide world!  That’s right, you’re my bestest best friend ever in forever!”

“Well then.”  MacCready pulled out a cigarette.  “That settles that, I guess.”

“Yeah, there’s no competing with Dogmeat,” Piper agreed.  She gave MacCready a pitiful pout, and he handed her a cigarette and lit it.

“Hey now, don’t leave a brother hanging.”  Hancock held out a hand expectantly, grinning at his words.  How could he resist throwing in one last innuendo?

“This is without question the stupidest debate we’ve ever had,” Danse remarked.

“Pfft.  Must mean you started it.”  Cait stuck out her tongue at him and then glared at the canine.  “Stupid dog.”

Piper gasped, accidentally blowing a cloud of smoke in the redhead’s face.  “You be nice to Dogmeat,” she scolded.

“Excuse you Piper, I’m _very_ nice to Dogmeat.  I’m his favorite.  After Dagny, that is.”

“Whoa, you did **not** just say what I think you just said.”  Piper laughed, palm to her forehead.  “I must be hearing things!  Because I coulda swore you said Dogmeat likes you best.”

Cait folded her arms over her chest.  “And if I did?”

“Then you’re hitting the chems again," the bane of Diamond City sneered.

“You best sleep with ‘n eye open!”

“Ladies, I love to break it ya, so I will.  I’m his favorite.”  MacCready put a hand over his heart.  

“Oh Robert Joseph, you delusional little man.”  Hancock shook his head and put a hand on the sniper’s shoulder.  “All the chems in what’s left of the world couldn’t kill the pity I have for you.”

“Hardly a surprise that I’m the only one who knows better than to start this again,” Danse said to himself as he left the others to their bickering, quietly muttering, “He obviously likes me more.”

**Author's Note:**

> Canon for this one-shot series (which happens in no particular chronological order)-  
> -SS is a female named Dagny (combining the Old Norse words 'day' and 'new', implying the main character's role in shaping the Commonwealth's future)  
> -Dagny is a member of the Brotherhood of Steel but is not anti-synth, rather sees them as the best chance for stopping the Institute  
> -Danse left the bunker because Maxson knew his location; while Maxson could probably figure out he's at the Castle as Dagny is General of the Minutemen he would not engage because it would be seen by others as an unwarranted declaration of war  
> -Cait and MacCready have nowhere better to go than 'home base' (the Castle) when not traveling with Dagny once Cait gets clean and MacCready's personal quest has been completed (medicine for Duncan)  
> -Piper relocates there temporarily while Diamond City settles down post-destruction of the Institute  
> -Hancock stays at the Castle when not traveling with Dagny to help the Minutemen, due to their 'for the people, by the people' ideology (and because the merchants that drop by always carry chems)  
> -Codsworth left Sanctuary for the Castle because it's where Dagny spends most of her time and he is forever the loyal Mr. Handy to her family...whoever they may be...whether he likes it or not...because of his programming  
> -Synth Shaun is adopted  
> -Dagny sides with Acadia due to her romance with Danse and friendship with Valentine  
> -Companions are also involved with each other casually now and then (one big open relationship between everyone because why not)  
> -Non-romanced companions like Valentine will visit the Castle now and then, because why not
> 
> All of this is basically written at random, on the fly, and meant purely for the sake of comedy (particularly my own amusement). Everyone in the Fallout universe deserves a laugh or two, ya know? There will be serious pieces now and then but these are really just random ideas I get that I need to write down before the muses murder me, so don't expect much in terms of substance. I hope you get a laugh out of it though.


End file.
